Beware the Toilet Assassin
If you're not yet terrified enough of the horrible fates
that might befall you in the bathroom,
let's look at the death of Edmund Ironside,
a king of the English in the early 11th century
who was assassinated while sitting on the toilet.
Edmund, born around 990 CE, was King of the English back when
the men in that position were known by names in Old English
(Ēadmund)
as well as
Old Norse
(Játmundr)
and Latin —
(Edmundus).
The epithet "Sides of Iron" was applied to him in those languages,
becoming Côte-de-Fer
when the Normans invaded Britain just fifty years after his death,
making Norman French the official language.
He was called "Ironside" because of his resistance to the
Danish invasion of Britain led by Cnut the Great.
But "Ironbottom" would have been a far more useful attribute
on the last day of November in 1016.
Edmond Côte-de-Fer as depicted in a royal genealogy of the 14th century,
now in the collection of the British Library.
Edmund was the third son of King Æthelred the Unready
and his first wife, Ælfgifu of York.
So, he was Edmund the Unexpected as far as succeeding his father to the throne.
However, by June 1014 his two older brothers had both died,
making him heir apparent,
and in December 1014
Sveinn Haraldsson tjuguskegg
or Sweyn Forkbeard, King of Denmark,
conquered and became King of England.
Just five weeks later, while starting to organize his huge new kingdom,
Sveinn died.
Æthelred was able to reclaim the English throne.
Sveinn's son, Cnut, was defeated and returned to Denmark,
where he began assembling an re-invasion force.
Æthelred scrambled to organize defenses while
punishing those who had sided with the invading Danes.
Cnut returned in force in August 1015,
and pillaged most of England over the following months.
Edmund initially joined Æthelred in the defense of London,
but in 1016 Edmond declared himself to be Earl of the East Midlands
and organized a revolt against his father.
Æthelred died on 23 April 1016,
making Edmund King of the English in the middle of a war
that was not going well.
There were five major battles through the summer into early autumn of 1016,
ending with Edmund's defeat in the Battle of Assandum on 18 October.
Edmund and Cnut agreed to divide the territory,
with Edmund ruling Wessex and Cnut ruling
norðdæle,
meaning the rest of England.
Edmund died just six weeks later.
As the 12th century historian Henry of Huntingdon wrote in his
Historia Anglorum, here in a translation into modern English:
Thus it happened: one night,
this great and powerful king having occasion to retire to the house
for relieving the calls of nature,
the son of the ealdorman Edric, by his father's contrivance,
concealed himself in the pit,
and stabbed the king twice from beneath with a sharp dagger,
and leaving the weapon fixed in his bowels, made his escape.
Edric had fought on Edmund's side,
but now he went to Cnut in hopes of gaining great favor.
Things did not turn out well.
Edric saluted Cnut and said:
"Hail! thou who art sole king of England!"
Having explained what had taken place, Cnut replied,
"For this deed I will exalt you, as it merits,
higher than all the nobles of England."
He then commanded that Edric should be decapitated and his head
placed upon a pole on the highest battlement of the tower of London.
The 13th century Life of Saint Edward the Confessor, now
at the Cambridge University Library,
depicts Edmund and Cnut at war and then literally kissing and making up.
And, at right, Edmund's assassination on the toilet.
Here is a detail of Edmund's death,
skewered from below by a spear.
It looks like he's captioned something like "Ædmundurlat ferreum",
which looks vaguely Latin-ish for "Edmund Ironside".
Now, is this exactly how Edmund died?
Maybe.
Later commentators found the report of Henry of Huntington
inadequately sensational,
and added parts about an automated crossbow booby-trap that
Edric's son installed in the privy's cesspit.
More recent historians have complained that other reports from the
period mentioned nothing about the method of Edmund's demise,
They say that Edmund had just been through several consecutive months
of heavy battles, and maybe he happened to die from his injuries.
I personally take the view that Edmund's supporters would not have wanted
to emphasize a somewhat undignified death.
Nor would Cnut's supporters have wanted to report an unsavory assassination
done in what turned out to be unappreciated support of Cnut.
Both sides had motivation to try to get everyone to ignore
a toilet assassination.
Privies, Privacy, and Power
Edmund wouldn't be the first leader assassinated on the toilet,
nor would he be the last.
See the
assassination of King Eglon of Moab
while seated on his toilet shortly after 1380 BCE.
Perhaps motivated by that assassination described in the Hebrew Bible,
in 1589 an assassin
killed King Henri III
while he was seated on the toilet.
Other toilet assassinations:
King Eglon of Moab, c. 1380 BCE
Uesugi Kenshin, warlord of Japan, 1578 CE
King Henri III of France, 1589 CE
